hello.
i psych myself, telling that i am going to get better. i am going to work hard, one step at a time to get back to where i am supposed to be. for my brothers, for my sisters, for my little ones, for my family, for God and maybe somehow, along the way, i will find some compromise with myself and make it to be for me.

the mountain is treacherous. not much for the rocks, or the deadly drop-offs, or the thick jungles or poisonous snakes. i guess my weakness (like most climbers) is always about having the stamina and will to carry on. when i did my run back in the good, tormenting days of the army, i play a 'mermaid' song in my head to slow things down; "when the oceans rise and thunders roar, i will soar with You above the storm....." i marked out the weaker ones in front and overtook them. i was going forward one mental landmark at a time.

so i guess i got slapped by a few events and now i realize that i am kinda near a cliff. i don't think i could ever fall unless i willed myself to... but i must admit on somedays, i would find falling quite relaxing. back to my point - landmarks - i am seeing this as my landmark. a little more to the next tree i guess. right now, i lost my map, my backpack, my little pet sheeps, my smile... and i think they could be at the tree right ahead. my three pets waiting for me: smiling, waiting... where is God in all this really? i don't see Him any where and voices don't quite pop out from the bible anymore. reading my past journal entries i remind myself that He is still that strange person like He is. i know His eye sees all and right now, He sees me, walking towards that tree. Not breaking any sweat so far, i have just taken 4 steps... maybe a little more ahead, after passing that small corner where it requires a leap.

i'm pretty frightened - of rocks, of drops, of poison ivys, of strange mountain thieves, of old mountain beauties... above all, me. i don't quite trust myself. my mind goes into moods. for a while its nice and dainty. next, it surges with emotion and courage. then, it cowers in the fear of the monster in the closet. maybe playing that miley cirus song would be helpful. her cheesy lyrics illustrates this moment really well:

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"


Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking



But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb



The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking


And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Keep on moving, keep climbing

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, keep your faith


yes miley, thanks. perhaps somewhere in this story, all this climbing will make me fit and these obstacles will pose a lesser threat. i wonder what is on top. i think i am kinda dumb to have signed up for this hiking trip and not know what is on top. it costed me thousands of bucks!! oh well, how ugly can top of mountains be right? and maybe i will meet someone along the way. but i want to be much stronger by then. its embarrassing that a village girl has to help carry me up these stoney ledges. and God, appearing once in a while will be nice. please start narrating this story already. the book is getting confusing and the characters are getting a little messed up.